My recent journey of renewal can be traced back to 2015 while reading the prophetic books in the Old Testament
as well as the “Sermon on the Mount” in the New Testament. The message God gave me, through the prophets and Jesus Himself, was constantly coming to this: “Guard your heart!” Thus I asked the Lord, “What am I to guard my heart from?”

The 2016 theme for the church is “Renewal.” Since renewal assumes that something has grown old, like a wall needing a new coat of paint, I continued to ask the Lord, “What is it that I need to renew?” Because unless I identify what it is, I do not know where to start. It finally dawned on me that it was “ME.” I have become like the Ephesian Church in the Book of Revelation; I have lost my first love for Him. It has been replaced by a love that is no longer the kind of love that is revealed to us in the Person of Jesus Christ. Nor was I allowing His love to consume me but was instead sitting in the driver’s seat, taking control of my own life. I have lost the passionate love I had for God when I first became a believer, the same passionate love for my wife that I had while courting her. In the driver’s seat, I was navigating my own life instead of allowing Him to navigate it. God was warning me to guard my heart by having the same love He had revealed to us through His Son in the Bible.

So I began with the premise of how I can renew this love, until God showed me how wrong I was; because I assumed that I can do it in my own strength. It was also arrogant of me to think that I can just fire the engine up by myself. I was still sitting in the driver’s seat trying to think I can fix things by myself. Of course, there is the part of my human responsibility to love God; but I was deceived to think I can do it on my own.

As a Christian and a pastor, I have the standard textbook answers for everything even in the area of renewal. It would appear that I could just reinforce my practice of the spiritual disciplines, like reading the Bible and praying more; but in reality I know that it is a matter of the heart. Spiritual disciplines aren’t going to help me until God is allowed back into the driver’s seat. I am thankful that God allowed me to see this truth. I am also equally thankful that He enabled me to desire to do something about it; otherwise, I will continue to deceive myself and rationalize that I am fine as long as I am serving Him. For without knowing what I needed and without God giving me the desire to do something about it, I would not have even started this journey. And I would still be living in denial and in spiritual blindness. I would also be continuing to live in deceit, practicing the spiritual disciplines without being renewed in my love for Him. Thus God led me to humble myself before Him to surrender my life completely once again to Him as He reminds me of this: “Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.” So I made a prayer of commitment to love Him with all my heart, my soul, my strength, and my mind. Making the prayer and defining the practical things to do were easy; but doing them is the hardest, especially when fighting with my fleshly desires and emotions.

In addition, God showed me I must take another look at how He loved me through His Son, Jesus Christ, as I had accumulated many hidden false “ideas and beliefs” that have perverted my understanding of love. I must get rid of them in order to restore the love I once had for Him. This will also bring peace to my heart, soul and mind as my inner man is strengthened in this love. I can then let Him back into the driver’s seat in my life again. As a pastor, I have seen all kinds of expressions of love. There are the legalistic approaches to love, the hypocritical ways of love, and the self-righteous attitudes of love that perverted my thinking and behavior and even turned me into a cynic in some ways. Unless I relearn what divine love is, I will continue to have a perverted form of love! God directed me to look in the Scriptures to show me once again how He loved me. My prayer is that this renewal of understanding divine love will be translated into actions in my life and ministry; i.e., the expression of loving God is by loving people, especially the difficult ones. Spiritual disciplines, like reading the Bible, may help to inform my mind; praying may allow the Holy Spirit to convict me with what I have read; but I must also respond correctly and willingly. First, I must heed His warning by repenting and submitting to His leadership in my life. Then I must also allow Him to transform that selfish love in me to a selfless one for Him. This is how I was to guard my heart.

I had asked myself, “If spiritual disciplines are already part of my practice, why am I not loving Him like before in the first place?” I came to the realization that it is the presupposition and perversion of what love has become to me. I have been corrupted by all these false ideas and how I relate to God and others. This is why God wants me to be constantly guarding my heart. I prayed that as God grants me a fresh new experience of His love, I will be convinced of His love for me, which demands my total love for Him. I also tried to recall the people He sent into my life in the past to show love to me, as well as look for such people in the present so that I will not take His love for granted; since He expresses His love for me through people. I praise God for all of them, both present and future, as they help to affirm God’s love is true and real to me. God still loves me despite my lukewarm love for Him, a love that some people call a hazard of ministry, while others think that familiarity breeds contempt. Both are true of my situation. This is why God led me on this journey to renew my love for Him.

I pray that I will have the sincerity and strength to live this love out in my relationships with God, my wife, my children, and the people around me. My prayer is that God will paint a fresh color of love that will not fade with time as I try to guard my heart from my deceitful self. It is He alone who can guard my heart. I must not be deceived into thinking it is something that I can do on my own in this journey of renewal.