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e do not like conflicts thus we try all ways to avoid them. We might even perceive conflicts as evil and offensive to God. As human beings, not only we are uniquely different, but we also have a sinful nature inherited from Adam. This makes our relationship susceptible to conflicts to arise easily. Whether conflicts are evil or offensive to God or not, we cannot avoid them. Conflicts are not necessarily bad when handled well because our relationships can become stronger as well as our personal and professional growth in character and dealing with conflicts can become better. As Margaret Heffernan said, “For good ideas and true innovation, you need human interaction, conflict, argument, debate.” On the other hand, when conflicts are handled badly they often leave behind hurt, resentment and distrust in our relationships leading us to destructive and harmful behaviors as well as physical and emotional sicknesses that is detrimental to us. It is therefore not surprising that conflicts are one of the main contributors to anxiety disorder and depression.

In the Bible, there are at least fifty-eight verses that speak about it as well. Thus Christians or not, we are not alone in facing conflicts. God knows we need help and provided His word to teach us how to deal with our conflicts. However, we still need wisdom to apply them in a way that will build up people instead of hurting them. James asks why we have conflicts or how they start in James 4:1; and he instructed us to “humbly submit to God and resist the devil; repent of our sins because often our conflicts are caused by our pride, misunderstanding, or jealousy.” Jesus reminds us in Mt 5:23-24 that, “When you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother and sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first reconciled to your brother and sister, and then come and offer your gift.” He also instructs us in Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” However, we often fail to obey them because in times of conflict we often let our emotions and our own wisdom to dictate how we handle them instead of following the biblical teachings.

Luke describes Jesus as a man “full of grace and truth” which implies that truth cannot be in the expense of grace. Some people have the wrong notion that “love means not having to say sorry” so they do not confess or repent of their sins to one another. On the other hand, many Christian would not correct those who had sinned. Thus in the name of “love” they compromise God’s truth for sin to continue in their midst. They even at times justify the sinful acts or make excuses for their fellow brothers or sisters instead of speaking the truth in love, or confronting gossips, lies and deceitful talks or behaviors. Of course, confrontation must be conducted in a loving manner. This can only be done when we do as Paul says, “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. We should make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace as Paul says (Ephesians 4:2-3). Paul also says we are to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). Therefore, we must act graciously yet not compromise the truth, in a gentle and humble manner to handle our conflicts in a godly way that honors God and builds up the other person with whom we have conflict.

On the other hand, we need to humbly accept the fact that not all conflicts even handled well on our part will have a happy ending. It takes two hands to clap as the saying goes. In Acts 15:36-41 we have the account that Paul and Barnabas had a “sharp disagreement” resulting each going their own ways. Yes, godly men and women can have different opinions, disagreement and conflicts; and sometimes it is inevitable that we have to part ways. However, we should never compromise the biblical truths but learn to graciously to “agree to disagree.” In any conflict, it requires time and space to recover as well as healing from any hurts and pains. The conflict of Paul and Barnabas tells us so. But by God’s grace and mercy we can continue to worship and serve Him in different ways without letting the conflict destroy the work of God.

Here are some practical suggestions to consider that may help us handle conflict better:

1. Differentiate between the problem and the person. 1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to “show proper respect to everyone.” Learn to separate the issue from the person you are in conflict with. Help each other to see that it is a “shared problem” that both parties must resolve together. Avoid blameful or negative remarks; but state clearly how you perceive what the problem is; how you feel about it; and invite the person to help you find a solution. Opinions and emotions should be expressed in ways that will facilitate the process of achieving satisfying outcomes that are acceptable to both. Give each other a benefit of the doubt by believing that there is always some kind of positive intention behind the other person’s actions, even when it is unskillfully expressed.

2. Communicate clearly, concisely and concretely in a timely fashion. Proverbs 16:24 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settling of silver.” State clearly what you have seen; heard and experienced that influenced your views in the matter at hand. Tell the other person what is important to you, why it is important, what you feel and what you hope for. Express your own emotions and frustrations clearly, concisely and concretely in your own words. Be gentle, kind and gracious to the person; conveying to him/her that you care for him/her more than just solving the problem. Appropriate timing to communicate should also be considered.

3. Maintain contact with the person in conflict. Romans 15:5 says， “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus.” Do not stop communicating with the person for it might lead to further misunderstanding, or escalate the conflict. Keep communication open in a continual dialogue with the person. Work to improve your relationship even when resolution may seem impossible at this point. Offer to do something to meet the person’s wishes and suggest things the person can do to meet yours. Even if these things are marginal, they can strengthen and change the nature of the relationship in a positive way as we persevere to resolve our differences.

4. Make it easy for the person to be constructive. Philippians 2:3b says, “In humility value others above yourselves.” Avoid triggering the defensiveness of the other person by blaming, accusing, criticizing and further diagnosing of the problem. It is beyond the point of proving who is right and wrong now. Feelings have been hurt and so we do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings even more. Show appreciation and respect for the person whenever you can and do so sincerely. Show the person that you care about the issues and needs that are important to him or her. Take responsibility for your contributions to the conflict even if you may not see that you have done anything wrong.

5. Look at the conflict from the outside. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 says, “Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.” Learn to review how the conflict started to its entirety. Note what kinds of action have contributed to the tensions to cause the conflict and what actions can move it toward the positive direction. Make every effort to develop self-awareness of how you can influence the situation towards such a direction to restore the relationship. Assume responsibility for what had happened. Take on the problems you see as early as possible before they have a chance to become worse.

6. Avoid electronic conversations but have person-to-person talks. The ease of the conveniences of electronic communication through emails or texts is not useful for resolving conflicts but can make matter worse. Words only constitute seven percent of communication. The rest of the ninety-three percent are body language. Any important conversation especially the one that regards conflict should not be through electronic conversations. But it should be a person-to-person in a neutral and comfortable place where we can talk as mature adults. Such careful and thoughtful investment of our time for each other is far worth spent!

7. Seek the agreement of the person to invite others to help. A Chinese idiom says, “A third party sees a fairer picture.” Having a wise and godly person to mediate is often helpful to assist us to see things more objectively in resolving any misunderstandings in a conflict. It is often more productive to have a mutually agreed mature Christian to come in to help us in such a situation.

8. Pray for yourself and the person in conflict with. Paul teaches in Colossians 1:9 that “For this reason, since the day we heard it, we have not cease praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of God’s will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” When a conflict arises do not rush in trying to resolve the problem. Be still, pray and wait upon the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. The time invested in praying and waiting will be well spent. Pray at every meeting you have with each other to invite God to be present with both of you. Pray at the end and ask God to help both of you to work at what we have agreed upon to do sincerely and humbly.

Ronald Regan said, “Peace is not absence of conflict; it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” William James said, “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

More importantly is the command of Jesus in Matthew 5:43- 48，“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Conflicts are unavoidable but forgiving is possible when we are willing to obey the command of Jesus! John 14:21, “Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.”