Practicing Affirmation: God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God. By Sam Crabtree. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books, 2011. 178 pp.
Introduction
This summer I found a note at my front door. It read, “Mike Chen, we appreciate you a lot. Thank you for serving so faithfully and for loving the church. Thank you for being an example of ‘faith, love, and purity.’ Thank you for taking time to invest in the youth. Thank you for your passion and enthusiasm. You are cool. (But I’d rather have Jesus.)”
That had been an especially difficult and wounding week for me. But when I found that note, it was a balm for my soul.
Solomon says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21), and “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
Words can pierce. And words can heal. And when those students left that note, they likely had no idea how much that meant to me, and how much I needed such generosity, love, and encouragement. It was a cup of cold water, and I was a thirsty soul.
We may be deeply wounded. But Christ’s cross stands as objective proof: God loves us. He loved us enough to give His Son for our sins (1 John 4:10). And if God loved us so generously, we should love each other generously (1 John 4:11).
If we love God, we must also love one another (1 John 4:20). And, as I discovered this summer, one of the most practical ways to love is through words. Toward that end, I know no better guide than Sam Crabtree’s Practicing Affirmation: God-Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God.
Summary
Christians might avoid praising others for fear of engendering pride. But the Bible gives God-centered praise to people, and we can, too. More than that, we should do this, in praise of the Christ-like qualities in others, in both believers and unbelievers: Crabtree says that “…character is Christ’s work emanating from within the believer and stemming from the vigorous life of the Spirit dwelling there. And in the case of the unbeliever, character is part of the common grace of God, as a gift to the individual” (p. 19).
When we bless others, God also blesses us (see 2 Timothy 1:16-18 and 1 Peter 3:9). Crabtree introduces the concept of an affirmation ratio: corrections sting more than affirmations, so we should try to have three to five affirmations for every correction. Otherwise, people stop hearing us and start opposing us altogether. Sometimes we might even need to suspend all corrections.
Otherwise, we can hurt but not heal. We become leaky faucets, not refreshing springs. Crabtree explains:
How does a faucet acquire a reputation for being a dripping one? Answer: the pattern. A faucet that drips, but rarely, gets no reputation as a dripping faucet; a rarely dripping faucet gains a reputation as a source of refreshment. It’s the pattern, the predominance, the proportionality that feeds the reputation. And understand that our dripping corrections, complaints, criticisms, and suggestions for improvement can feel as torturous to others as “Chinese water torture” feels to its victims. Neither water torture nor criticism leaves a physical mark, but both can drive a person bonkers, making him desperate to escape the one who assaults with dripping. Consistently commending the commendable helps us be refreshing fountains and not dripping faucets (p. 73).
From this point on, Crabtree addresses clarifications and examples for how to apply the material. First, he gives five of this book’s assumptions: (1) though this book focuses on means God uses to bring about results, God is still sovereign; (2) we need the Holy Spirit to live out this book; (3) correction is as important as affirmation; (4) this book is not exhaustive; and (5) relational context matters.
In addition, Crabtree lists mistakes that he has mad
e (e.g., confusing affirmation with flattery), and he responds to several questions that he has gotten (e.g., “What if I’m not wired to affirm others?”). He also shows several ideas of how we can affirm people in their Christlikeness and gives tips for how to correct others. He ends the book with 100 ideas for how to specifically affirm others.
At the back of the book are two appendices. The first appendix gives Beever’s Grid as a guide to know when to correct others. (According to Beever’s Grid, we should correct others only when it is really important and when we are sure that we are right.) The second appendix gives advice on promoting a pleasant tone of voice within the home.
Reflections
Strengths and Weaknesses
This book is useful, interesting, and very practical. (For example, I had never thought about an “affirmation ratio” or about Beever’s Grid.) Even though it is not a theology book, it is theologically nuanced. And although it does not go into in-depth exegesis, the Scripture analyses are sound, and the applications are plentiful and helpful.
I only have minor criticisms. For one, I winced a little when Crabtree gave examples of affirming his daughter for her organization; his words struck me as a bit simplistic. But apparently, his daughter saw and appreciated his good intentions, and that is what matters most. For another, chapters four through nine could all be appendices, since they are basically clarifications, expansions, and examples of the main arguments in the first three chapters. Still, these chapters contain interesting and practical tips, so I do not actually begrudge the structure.
Conclusion
I first read this book four years ago, and it was immensely helpful. It colored the way I encouraged youth staff, younger preachers, students, and even secular co-workers. It made me eager to speak kindly behind people’s backs, and not just to their faces.
Rereading this book two years ago, I found myself praying that God would make me more affirming. God had been convicting me that I had been correcting others too much and too haughtily, and that those relationships had stagnated. And this book helped me rebuild those relationships.
There may be no better time than now to read (and practice!) this book. God has used students’ words to heal me. And He can use your words to heal others.
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