Someone has once said: “Life is just one darn thing after another. No matter how tranquil our days are, we can be sure that trouble is just around the corner.” It seems that there is no stability or predictability in an imperfect world. We can expect troubles, hardships and heartache. Suffering is not only universal but also comes in different forms. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, or all three at once.

Suffering is complex and unique in every case. For example, twenty students and six adults were shot and killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012 for no apparent reason. The perpetrator is a young man who was said to be suffering from Asperger’s Syndrome. The tragic event not only affected twenty-six families, but the whole town in different degrees and dimensions causing grief, fear and anger.

CNN reporters covering this story reported on how the different families facing the tragedy from time to time six months after the shooting. A father still mourns uncontrollable for his son; on the other hand, a teenager channels her grief into civic actions by bringing awareness to the need for gun control with the help of a doctor and a community leader. Such a tragedy reveals to us that pain can either inspire people to positive or negative actions.

Suffering can alter our lifestyle, behavior, and personality as well as affect the people around us. One of my clients said to me, “I was sixty-five years old when my husband died. What I’m saying is that I had lived long enough to have suffered some awful pains, done my share of grieving. But with my husband gone, I just couldn’t seem to snap out of it.” So she sold her house and moved 350 miles to be near her daughter in the city where she became my client. Unfortunately, she was still unable to—in her own words–“snap out of it” even in the new environment. The prolonged grief resulted in depression as she became isolated and withdrew herself from all social functions.

You might be one of those who have lost someone you loved or known someone who has lost somebody close to them; or you may be suffering because of a terminal sickness; or because of financial difficulties as a result of a job loss, a marital problem or a loved one having an addiction problem. You might be overwhelmed with grief and sadness thinking that God has abandoned you; or He doesn’t care about you. Perhaps you feel that God doesn’t understand your struggles. Often in such times we wonder where God is in the pain of our suffering.

Grief and suffering are hard to handle. A pastor said perhaps it is one of the most difficult things we are called to do. How do we cope with grief and suffering? How do we work through those difficult days, weeks, months and possibly years? There is no right or wrong formula or way to handle them. How we grieve depends on many factors. It depends on our personality and coping styles, our life experiences and faith, as well as the nature of the pain and suffering. The healing process is gradual. It can’t be forced or hurried. There is no timetable for grieving. What we experience can be different but the process still takes time. Therefore, it’s important to be patient and to allow the process to naturally unfold itself in due time. It is longer for some, and shorter for others.

One hundred and six brothers and sisters from Chinese Grace Bible Church were interviewed in a period of nine weeks. They were asked how they faced or handled their pain and suffering as well as how they would like others to help during such times. Some answers given are:

1. praying and sympathizing with me
2. listening to my cries
3. hugging me, visiting me and being around for me
4. offering practical assistances and random acts of kindness
5. sending me flowers, cards or letters of encouragement

Practical Advices to Ease the Pain of Suffering

Accepting what has happened – No matter what causes the grief or suffering–a loved-one’s death, physical illness, unemployment, fear or uncertainty of the future–don’t deny it. Accept it.

Crying is good – When feelings of loss and helplessness sweep over us, don’t hold back the tears. Tears are therapeutic. They release the tension of sadness and grief from our heart which is hard to express in words. Tears also exhaust the body so that it is able to rest since suffering prevents the hurting person to do so.

Bottling it up is not good – Call and talk to a trusted friend or relative who will listen to us and share our burdens. Don’t harbor the pain in our hearts.

Praying to God will help – Tell God how you feel, your frustrations and your pains. Is it alright for us to complain? The Bible says, “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalms 34:18) The Bible also says, “Casting all your cares on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) Thus we can “complain” to God about our feelings.

Meditating and reciting Scriptures – To replace any distressing or negative thoughts, meditate and recite scriptures. I find Isaiah 40 helpful to meditate and recite in my distress. “The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless. Even young will fall exhausted; but those wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40: 28-31)

Making yourself useful – Find something to do especially when you are overwhelmed by sadness or negative thoughts and feelings. Go for a walk, clean the house, run errands, visit a friend, sing, or paint. Do something you enjoy and bring fulfillment to yourself or to others.

Keeping a journal – Journaling can be a great way to express your feelings and pains; as well as the other things that are happening in your personal life. Writing down your thoughts and feelings on paper will help clarify and sort through your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes you can find the answers or way out for yourself through writing.

Five Stages of Grief

Grief is not something we just try to get over with. It is a process that needs to run its course. The loss of someone or the encounter of something tragic can be extremely hard and painful. We experience all kinds of unending and difficult feelings from our pains and sufferings. It is normal. In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced in her book On Death and Dying what has become known as the “Five Stages of Grief.’ This helps us understand what a person goes through during such a time. The five stages of grief are based on her studies of the feelings of patients who were facing terminal illness. Many people have generalized them to other types of effects from negative life changes and losses.

The first stage is denial as one rejects what has happened or is happening to him or her. The second is where anger creeps in to complicate the sadness or pain once is experiencing. The third is to bargain by making promises to God, to ourselves or to others in hope to be well again. If it does, one will fulfill his or her part of the bargain. The fourth is depression experienced when a sense of helpless and even hopelessness dawn on him or her. The fifth is acceptance as one recognizes that this is it, and there is really nothing he or she can do to change the situations or circumstances.

Grieving or suffering is unique and personal to the individual. The five stages do not necessarily take place chronologically, nor does everyone go through the same stages. In fact, some people resolve it without going through any of these stages while others go through every single stage with its full implications. It can be a roller coaster ride as the ride is rough, bumpy and can be very long for some. No matter how many stages or what stages we go through, it usually become less intense and shorter as time passes. Thus time is needed to iron out the pain of sufferings.

If you are grieving or suffering, rest in the unchanging, everlasting Lord and His promises. They never fail as His love never ends. The Bible tells us that God understands. He cares for us for He says, “Fear not, I am with you . . . I will strengthen you, I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:10) King David after going through many personal trials and hardships wrote: “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life.” (Psalms 71:20)

Caring for Yourself in Time of Suffering

Be honest about how you feel – You can try to suppress your pain or grief, but you can’t bury it forever. Acknowledge the pain. The more you try to avoid the feelings of sadness, the longer the grieving process prolongs. Unresolved grief can lead to complications such as depression, anger, anxiety and other health problems.

Express your feeling – Write about your pain or loss in a journal, or any form of art. Write a letter to the deceased person to say the things you never got the chance to say. Make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life. Have a picnic at the grave site with surviving family members.

Look after your health – The mind, soul and spirit are connected. Therefore, when you are feeling depressed, you will neglect your physical needs. Thus you must take care of your physical needs. Combat stresses and fatigues by getting enough sleep, eating well and doing exercises. Do not use substances to numb the pain or to try and change your moods.

Watch out for triggers of grief – Birthdays, anniversaries or special holidays can trigger memories and feelings of sadness. Be prepared for emotional wallops and know that they are normal. Be gracious and patient with yourself as well as others during those times.

Put your faith in God – Having a negative attitude will control and consume all your energy in a destructive way. However, having faith in God will enable you to embrace pain positively. With a changed perspective, you will be able to make the necessary changes. This will enable you to manage the pain of suffering better.

Seek help and support – Communicate and express clearly what and how you like others to help and support you during the darkest hours.

Heartache, Grief and Suffering in the Bible

In the Old Testament there is a book called, “Job” that records the account of how a righteous man like Job responded to the heartache, grief and suffering in his life. Upon hearing the news of the death of his children, Job responded with the customary practices of mourning by tearing off his clothes, shaving his head and falling on his face to worship God. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” (Job 1:20-22)

It describes how Job responded to the tragic deaths of his children with honest feelings of grief after being informed of it. It reveals that Job’s faith was still in God despite of the tragedy. In a state of sadness and deep distress, the first thing Job did was to turn to God to acknowledge He is the One who gives and takes away. It is really amazing of Job to do such a thing despite of all that has happened to him.

Job approached his sufferings by completely surrendering himself to the sovereignty of God. He continued to trust God believing that everything that had happened has His divine purpose. Although evil originated with Satan but it was God who allowed it to happen to us. Suffering is not without purpose in God’s will or is it meant to be in vain. Thus Job concluded, “As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at last He will stand upon the earth; and after my skin has been thus destroyed, in my flesh I shall see God.” (Job 19:25-6)

In the New Testament, Paul taught the Corinthian Church that we can rejoice in our trials and sufferings. Trials and sufferings are also meant to develop endurance in us which in turn “produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has given us. While we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:3-6)

Christians are not immune to sufferings and hardships. It is by God’s grace that we are able to go through them. It is not easy to go through a tragedy especially when it comes suddenly. However, we can be assured that God is in control even when we cannot understand why we encounter such events and when we think it should never happen to us. God has promised us that His grace is sufficient when we go through life’s trying times.