I

grew up in a Christian family and am presently attending this church. I first came to accept Jesus as my personal savior at First Baptist Church’s VBS in first grade. I accepted for the classic reason–I didn’t want to go to hell. For a first grader, hell sounded like a really scary place to go. In fact, throughout my elementary school days I was so scared of hell that I accepted Christ multiple times.

Growing up I tried to be that perfect little Asian daughter.  Other than a few slip ups, I was doing ok.  Grades? Check.  Friends? Check.  Sports/Musical Instrument?  Check.  As you can see my life was pretty much a check list, and this was the attitude I brought to my faith.  Go to church.  Check.  Pray.  Check.  Memorize Bible verses.  Check and so forth.  There was nothing deep within my relationship.  It was just another thing I did because my parents did it, or my Sunday school teachers told me to. I thought doing this would make me a good Christian and God would see this and allow me into heaven.

But things really started to change in middle school. I started to attend TIGS, our middle school youth group where I learned so much about God’s attributes. Walking in I knew all the answers, but I was challenged to actually apply it to my life. At the time I had several different masks trying to please everyone. It made me very tired. If I knew God was my true identity, why was I trying to hide it and keep changing my identity based on the people I was around? If I knew through Christ I can do all things, why do I depend on my own? If I knew God had a plan for me, why do I keep fighting it? It was my own pride that got in the way. I have planned out my whole entire life since I was a very small child. I even planned certain things to happen at certain age. I had achievements planned out. I was going to be a great runner and be the top ten at my school. I thought that this check list system was going to work. It had to work; it worked most of my life. But eventually it had to stop working.

Slowly, God started taking things away from me. By the time I was in the middle of high school, I realized I wasn’t the smartest. I got sick and wasn’t the same runner as before. I thought these were just little glitches in my life and I could fix them. So I kept fighting God. It wasn’t until about two months ago when everything snapped.

I lost a very valuable friendship. Losing it caused a lot of heartache and pain. I struggle for an immense amount of time. But through it God opened my eyes. I realized I had idols in my life. I had valued my academics, my running career, and my friends. I’m not saying these things are bad to value, but I valued them more than I should, and that was getting the way of my relationship with Him. All the events that happened in middle school through high school, that I have been fighting and trying to fix for myself, was all to make a point–bringing me closer to God. I need to trust God, surrender completely to Him. The problem was that I was saying it but not applying it.

This year’s CBM theme song fits perfectly. The chorus says: “Christ is enough for me. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in you. Everything I need.” And the bridge says: “I have decided to follow Jesus, No turning back, No turning back. The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back, no turning back.” I am taking this step of water baptism as an act of obedience and a proclamation of my faith. Baptism represents the death of an old life and the resurrection of a new one. Instead of relying on my own strength, I will now kneel at the foot of the cross.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14) This verse is familiar to many of us. I have heard this countless of times as people encouraged me through my spiritual walk. It is no longer some verse that is supposed to reassure me. It is the truth behind it. I know God loves me so deeply, why would He want to ever harm me? To think of it, He gave me His perfect, holy son Jesus to die in my place. A love that immense is… indescribable. It brings me to pure joy that I know Christ, He is in my life. I am never alone.

I’ve just had a peek in my senior year, and in full honesty it has already begun to be a struggle. This walk was never meant to be easy. As the sinner I am, I will be tempted to rely on my own strength. Please pray for me and continue to encourage me. College and the future are coming quickly. Although I don’t know what will happen, I don’t have to be afraid. I trust God because He has already decided what will happen. I know in my heart that His plans are good.